It's For a Good Cause

IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE
A short comedic play by Jim B


Cast:
Daniel
Sandra
Marcus
Alex
Tanya
Erin

(Open on a stage set to resemble an office break-room. Employees are lounging around, having drinks and chatting. Two of them, Alex [who is white] and Marcus [who is African American] are standing by the door and talking. A woman, Sandra, is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

Alex: (laughing lightly) Yeah, so then we tied up the hooker, dumped her in the forest, and when we got back home we played Scrabble for the rest of the evening.

Marcus: Sounds like a good weekend, Alex.

Alex: Yeah, well, I really like to spend quality time with the kids. (He turns to look at Sandra.) How about you, Sandy. What did you do over the weekend?

(Sandra looks up from her magazine to address her co-workers)

Sandra: Me? Oh, I didn't do that much. Though I did see Janeane Garofalo on Saturday.

Marcus: Really? You got to catch her comedy show at the civic center?!

Sandra: (meek) Uh... not at the civic center. It was in the afternoon. I was walking my dog and we caught her coming out of the Chik-Fil-A, and you know how Brandy gets when he smells chicken and barbecue sauce... (her coworkers look at her with surprise, while her tone becomes louder) I couldn't hold him back! I lost the leash and he was on her in seconds. Ripped up her shirt and chowed down the sandwich. Then the peanut oil irritated his bowels...

(The men cringe when she mentions this)

Alex: Ooh, that's just wrong.

Marcus: Damn! How much did she slap you for?

Sandra: You know, she was really pissed at first, but after a while she started laughing and thanked me for giving her a great bit. If you ask me, it'll probably be the only funny routine she'll have had for the past decade.

(Alex and Marcus nod in response and mutter things such as "Got a good point there," and "Yeah, she's not that funny." As they finish, another coworker, Daniel, enters the break room. He has a manila envelope in his hand filled with fliers and an enthusiastic look on his face.)

Marcus: Hey there Dan. How are ya?

(Daniel turns to Marcus to respond)

Daniel: Did you know that twenty children in Africa die every hour from measles infections?

(The three look at him oddly, totally caught off guard by his statement.)

Alex: (startled) Well, uh... that's a unique way to say "Hello."

Daniel: What? (a beat) Oh yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm helping raise money for the Red Cross to help vaccinate children in Africa against measles. There's gonna be a 5-K run next week as well to bring in more cash. I'm just doing my part to fight this horrible killer. (He pulls a slip of paper out of the envelope and reads from it in a monotone.) "Ignorance and apathy are the real disease, but knowledge and compassion are the cure."

Marcus: (wry) Wow, what a heartfelt plea.

Daniel: Well... it's a real shame that so many of those poor children have a chance to grow up. (He sniffles slightly) But if I can save even one of them, then I know I've done the right thing. (He's apparently trying to hold back tears.) And I hope that you, my friends, will act like good Christians and make a contribution to this worthy cause.

Sandra: (interjecting) Uh, Dan, I'm Jewish.

Daniel: (uninterested) Whatever, Sandra. You get into the same heaven. (he walks over to her) So how about it? Are you interested in making a donation. It only takes one dollar to vaccinate one child. (with fake righteousness) And is a dollar too much to save a child's life?

(Alex and Marcus gives Daniel odd looks)

Sandra: (embarrassed) Oh, um... I'm really sorry Dan, but I only brought enough money for lunch and to take the bus home. I apologize. If I had the extra money I'd be glad to spare it, but I just don't. I'm really sorry.

Daniel: (disappointed) Oh, I see. Well, that's not a problem. If you can't make a donation then it's not the end of the world. (His tone becomes condescending) And I'm certain that Satan appreciates what you're doing.

Sandra: (shocked) What?! Come on! I can always bring some extra money tomorrow.

Daniel: That won't work. I'm only collecting today.

Sandra: (confused) Why would you do that?

Daniel: If I only give people one chance to make a contribution, then I can mock and chastise those who fail to do so, treating them as callous, inconsiderate individuals with no opportunity to redeem themselves. Basically something to make me feel like I'm better than you.

(Sandra gives him a "Are you retarded?" glance, then sighs in surrender and reaches into her purse. She puts a $5 bill into his envelope.)

Sandra: (annoyed) There, I hope that will help. I guess I can always walk the twenty-three miles home today. If I take the right streets, then I should only encounter a minimum number of dealers and gangbangers.

Daniel: That's the spirit. Thank you so much for your efforts. Jesus loves you.

(Sandra scowls in response to his statement. Daniel ignores it and walks over to Alex and Marcus.)

Daniel: How about you guys? Can I count on a display of care and generosity from either of you.

Alex: Well, since I don't want to give you the chance to feel like I'm a lesser man than you, I'd be glad to donate. (He pulls a $10 bill out of his pocket and puts it in his envelope.) There you go, that'll vaccinate ten children. It's rather fortunate that I always carry some spare cash just in case.

Daniel: Thank you, Alex. I really appreciate it. Now, the 5-K run starts at nine next Saturday, can't wait to see you there.

Alex: (caught off guard) Woah, woah, wait. I didn't say I'd be running in the race. I've got plans that day; can't make it. And besides, I'm not an athlete; I cramp up after a hundred yards. Sorry.

Daniel: Oh no, no, that's fine. You don't have to run. You can always sit on the sidelines with Hitler! (his voice rises with each word until he's shouting "with Hitler")

Alex: (recoiling in shock) What the hell was that about?! I made a donation, why should I have to run if I don't want to?!

Daniel: Alex, don't you get it? Charity is about more than just giving money. You're not truly giving of yourself unless you do something that leaves you in physical pain as a part of that act. (Alex looks confused) Haven't you ever given blood?

Alex: No I haven't. Have you?

Daniel: (sardonic) Are you kidding me? I'm not letting them stick me with any of those needles; they hurt like hell! (the other coworkers give Daniel a derisive look after hearing his ironic and hypocritical statement. He decides to ignore this.) So how come you've never given blood?

Alex: I'm anemic.

Daniel: Oh, I didn't know that. Sorry (under his breath) Selfish prick.

Alex: (angrily) Hey!

Daniel: Well just because you have so few red blood cells that any significant loss could cause irreparable health problems is no reason not to donate!

(Everyone looks at Daniel like he's completely mental. He ignores their stares and moves over to Marcus.)

Daniel: How about you, Marcus? You've got to make a donation!

Marcus: (incredulous) And just why do I have to give money to this cause?

Daniel: (slightly nervous) Well, because it's going to help people in Africa.

Marcus: (prying) And you automatically assume that I'll jump on a cause that benefits Africans in an instant because...

Daniel: (trying to BS his way through) Because... you're a... a very generous individual.

Marcus: And when you say "generous", do you mean "black?"

Daniel: (taken aback) What?! (nervously) No, no, of course not.

Marcus: (smug) Well, until you can explain just why you felt I'd immediately be compelled to make a contribution to this cause, then I'm afraid I can't donate.

Daniel: (dejected) All right then, forget it. (He grumbles under his breath) I don't know why you're all giving me such a hard time. Don't you people understand I'm trying to save lives?! Measles is the number one preventable killer of children in Africa, a greater threat than AIDS, malnutrition and tuberculosis. This is a monster we can fight. A few dollars and you'll give these children a chance to survive, to grow up!

Marcus: So that they can live and grow up to experience AIDS, malnutrition and tuberculosis.

Sandra: He's got a good point. There are dozens, if not hundreds of hazards facing African youth. Why not raise money for a charity that seeks to treat all these ills instead of focusing only on one.

Alex: Now that is a great idea. Raising money for all those causes sounds a lot better than Daniel's lame-ass measles fundraiser. (He points at his "philanthropic" friend to make his point.)

Daniel: (frustrated) Dammit, stop using logic to make my altruism look stupid!

Sandra: (sarcastically) You're altruistic? Ha! Dan, you're one of the least charitable people I know!

(Daniel looks at Sandra, thoroughly offended)

Daniel: How can you say that? I'm completely selfless. I willingly give of myself and do whatever I can to better the lives of others.

Sandra: (unimpressed) Really. Well, you don't have the track record to back it up.

Daniel: (still offended) Just what do you mean by that?

Marcus: Dan, during the elections last November you said you were voting against increased funding to the library, giving the teachers and fire fighters a pay raise, and renovations to the retirement center. You never chip in to our holiday food drives for needy families, and you always take a penny from the cafeteria tray but never leave a penny.

(Daniel takes all this in for a moment, then crosses his arms defiantly)

Daniel: Well, I'm going to do what I can to help the needy, but I'm not gonna give 'em any of my hard-earned money! My Direct TV's not going to pay for itself. My contribution is getting others to pony up the cash and do all the hard work so I don't have to.

(Alex and Marcus look at each other with glib faces)

Marcus: (sarcastically) What a humanitarian.

Alex: He must vote democrat.

Sandra: And I suppose you won't be running in the marathon either, will you?

Daniel: (sardonic) What, are you kidding me? It starts at nine. I'm not gonna miss the "Ben 10" marathon on the Cartoon Network. (Alex gets ready to say something, but Dan cuts him off) And no, I can't Tivo it! A show that brilliant requires nothing more than active viewing while it airs!

Alex: (scowling) Man, I cannot believe what an unbelievable hypocrite you are.

Daniel: Hey, look down on me all you want, but I assure you that I'm not having any trouble sleeping, even when I don't practice what I preach.

Marcus: And just what do you mean by that?

(As he asks this, Tanya, another co-worker, enters the break room. She walks up to Daniel with a smile on her face.)

Tanya: Hello Daniel. I heard from some of my friends about your fundraising efforts, and I just wanted to commend you for your efforts. I think it's so wonderful to see people going the extra mile to help people who are truly in need.

Daniel: (smiling) Why thank you Tanya. (with an air of superiority) I just feel it's my duty to do what I can for those less fortunate than myself.

Tanya: Well, it's truly wonderful of you. (a beat) You know, if you're not doing anything on Friday, would you like to join me for dinner? My treat.

Daniel: Sounds wonderful. I'd love to join you. Thank you very much. (Tanya giggles happily and leaves. Daniel turns to follow her and gives his co-workers a smug look before leaving) I guess this proves those Hollywood liberals were right; all you have to do is pretend to care about a cause to get ahead.

(Daniel gives them a sly wink and leaves. His co-workers are left grumbling in anger)

Sandra: That self-righteous, hypocritical slug...

Marcus: Can't believe that jerk...

Alex: It's not right... it's just not right!

(Their badmouthing is interrupted when another co-worker, Erin, enters the break-room with a cup of coffee.)

Erin: Good afternoon, guys. I saw Daniel coming out of here a while back. (She sighs dreamily) I think it's so wonderful that he's trying to raise money for a good cause. I really find charitable men... irresistible.

Alex: (intrigued) Really? (He walks up to Erin and adapts a sultry voice) You know, I can sympathize with Dan's devotion to a noble effort. I myself devote time and money to help children with mental disabilities every week. They need all the help they can get, and I'm glad to know that I can play a part. (Marcus and Sandra slap their heads in disbelief)

Erin: (captivated) Wow, that sounds wonderful. How long have you been involved in... (She takes a closer glance at his face.) Wait a minute, your chin, those eyes, that hair tone... (her voice becomes suspicious) you match the description of the bastard my sister told the cops tied her up and dumped her in the woods!

Alex: (shocked) Your sister is Sapphire Scarlet?!

(Realizing he's incriminated himself, Alex rushes out of the room. Furious, Erin runs after him. Only Sandra and Marcus are left in the room, and they sigh in disbelief.)

(end)